Traditionally Controversial

Sabbath

2012-01-29T17:11:00.000-05:00

Oh, the godly wisdom of a day of rest. I took today off; my first true day off since I've been here. I have no chores, errands or tasks to complete today. Later, I'll go over my short presentation for tomorrow morning. I explored more of state street, sat and pondered sans laptop in a coffee shop, walked on lake Mendota, and explored a few trails in the nature preserve. It really has been a day of restoration.

Here I am...

2012-01-27T20:39:00.002-05:00

...somewhat in a state of disbelief. As you can tell by my posts, I've been a little overwhelmed with all the moving hassles, cold weather, unexpected car repairs, and learning city life in 2 weeks, the latter of which was populated by classes. Monday, I have the luck of the draw of being assigned a presentation. I've been a little nervous and haven't quite settled into my new life yet. To make matters worse, I haven't been feeling well this afternoon so may have to take it easy this weekend when I was hoping to put my energy to leisure.

I also haven't had the space of mind to fully comprehend that I'm in the place of my dreams. I'm still processing that I "knew" I was meant to be here since I started at Clemson...and then it actually happened. How did I "know"? God has often spoken loudly to me about my future. Friends and longtime readers probably remember how he called me into this major once I turned to him, leading me to switch from physics in my junior year. Then, he took me to Clemson by opening the position above me. Now, he has led me here. I sometimes struggle to understand what he has told me, even if I hear it. I also have to sort out my own mind's loud voices from his. Still, I do often hear...

Went Swimmingly!

2012-01-25T20:42:00.002-05:00

Class #1 was cancelled and had I bothered to check my new Wisc acct I would have known that before schlepping around campus looking for the bldg. Still, gave me much-needed time to check off my to-do list. Made it around to all the rest of the classes and lab lunch, and all went great. Settling more and more each day! Now to catch up on laundry, class reading and get ready for my mini-presentation Monday.

Nervous for Huge Day Tomorrow

2012-01-24T21:43:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow will be a trial: my Weds schedule is classes and lab meeting from 8:50am-2pm. A little tired because the list never seems to end; I wasted time today running around trying to get my jeep fixed. Luckily, the last thing I am to do with that will be to drop it at a repair shop. Still have a few to-dos and when all that is done, hopefully will be able to better collect my thoughts and rest.

Day 1 of Classes at Wisc

2012-01-23T22:43:00.001-05:00

New school, new lab, new classmates...big day today! It went well. As to be expected, it was stressful. I got on the wrong bus, spilled my latte, got in the wrong line to get my student ID, the works. I also found out I'll be giving a short presentation on Monday, leading some discussions, etc. Just enough to keep me on my toes...but I'm ever so grateful to be in such a cool place. Honestly, the reality still hasn't set in. As for the mundane, Herbie is at a repair shop, and I should get an estimate tomorrow morning.

Missing all my Gloves

2012-01-22T12:14:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty distraught, as I've managed to lose my snow gloves. I didn't realize they were gone until I lost one of my mittens yesterday. Now I need new gloves. I want some sweet hi-tech REI gloves but they're expensive, and I now wonder if I'll just lose them...

Feng Shui?

2012-01-21T12:21:00.000-05:00

This is my floor plan.

Here's the problem: I live in bedroom A, probably designed to be a bunk of some sort. In the actual room, there's a little annoying, pointless wall that juts out near the bathroom door. It prevents the bed in the far left corner from actually fitting that way. I may just have to move the dresser back, as I'm starting to be convinced that it really was in the optimal spot. It's not meant to be there though; it's meant to act as a TV stand because unless you have something else there, the TV doesn't reach the power and cable outlets. Maybe extension cord to the end of the desk? We'll see...

Cold & Snow

2012-01-20T23:55:00.000-05:00

Winter weather makes life a little harder. Maybe, though, it will help me focus instead of promoting my ADHD. I like to move around, run around town, etc. Maybe this winter will limit my options and force me to sit (relatively) still, plan better, and be more efficient. Venturing out in negative temps is miserable, the roads are unsafe, and my jeep is hard to get to anyway. I think things will be better when I finally get my checklist cleared, too.

The Garage on Brooks

2012-01-19T19:50:00.001-05:00

I finally abandoned my jeep at an underground garage a mile from my apartment. The most sensible option seemed to be to walk back. I still have the rest of my walk to go because I ducked into the union to get out of the cold. Took care of a few essentials but still need my student ID, transport to campus, etc. I guess I'll get it back tomorrow to take it to a repair shop? Still need to return that too-expensive spice rack to target but transport is such a hassle. Also need to rearrange my room before I get down to serious school business. City living is a far cry from what I'm used to!

I Haven't Lived in a Dorm Since...

2012-01-18T18:43:00.001-05:00

...freshman year! People refer to this building as a "dorm" though it's not exclusively student housing. Re-adjusting to elevator life, using electronic entry and not using my jeep. This is a hard time to move to WI because of the wintry roads, cold discouraging me from moving around too much outside, and students getting back into the city, making the roads that much more packed. This building may get loud too, as it's close to the party center of town and I'm not sure how thick the walls are. The worst part of moving is stocking up on housing stuff here, because it's hard to get places. Stores are far away, and even if they're not, it takes time to get to them because of traffic. I'll be glad when the essentials are done and I can finally calmly start my new student life. It would have been great had I had time to look around here, move slowly, etc. but things are working out.

Amended To-Do

2012-01-17T21:44:00.002-05:00

I moved here:
http://www.theuwtowers.com/Apartments/module/property_floorplans/property[id]/19447/#floorplan

I can't seem to figure out if there's a way to get the bed in that configuration w/o taking it apart. I tried, but I'm also very tired and not spatially aware. Also, it looks like the cable port on my little Wal-mart special TV, purchased when I moved to Clemson, is broken...can it be repaired?

see if SW has my i-pod
get an audio book for transport
figure out how to get from my garage to my apartment/campus

mail Clemson things

friends
keys to dept

To Do List

2012-01-09T18:07:00.000-05:00

call SW in Dallas to see if they have my i-pod...?!
pick an audio book for the ride/new book for the reading list
figure out how to ship the next giant box of stuff
figure out where to crash tomorrow night
cook?
inquire about roof rack

Box #3

2012-01-07T15:08:00.000-05:00

I'm on my way to shipping giant box #3 in order to have a car ready to make the Madison trip. Is it worth it to install cross bars for my Jeep roof rack, to fit a cargo carrier? I still haven't gotten my last set of revisions back yet, so I'm nervous about getting those done. I'd like to get them done by Friday evening(?) so I'll be totally ready to leave on Saturday. Let the insanity commence.

Packing, Shipping & Moving

2012-01-06T15:06:00.003-05:00

Six more days in Clemson: I have a room for 3...now to figure out the last, most important 3. I'm defending on the 12th and my mom comes into town the following day. Then, we move on Saturday, and move into a Madison apt on Monday.

Immediate Answer...

2012-01-01T23:43:00.002-05:00

Shortly after that post, I turned in my thesis to my committee! Tomorrow I'll be packing and probably moving to a friend's house. Then...hotel? Another friend's house? Next step is selling my furniture and setting a finalized defense date. Then, on to Wisconsin!

Deadlines, Crunch Time & Moving

2011-12-31T11:40:00.001-05:00

God, please work all of this out. This is a serious time of stress, and I need sleep, badly. Please let my thesis be done for good, let me defend, and move on. I'm so anxious about the moving plans, timeline, etc. I need your peace and assurance that this will all work out, and to your glory.

R commander HH

2011-12-27T18:16:00.001-05:00

I just loaded the plugin, and for some reason my data set is incompatible with some of the features. Once I tried to load my data set into R commander, I got this:

Error in FUN("mydata"[[1L]], ...) : could not find function "is.likert.capable"

Several of the menu items are still grey/not clickable, including the one I want to use. Help? Ideas?

Discussing

2011-12-20T20:49:00.000-05:00

Working away, getting ever more nervous as all the deadlines approach. I'm headed home Friday afternoon, and will be back Monday night. It will be great to spend Christmas with the family, but hectic and wish I could stay longer. I'm just afraid of being burnt out from getting all this in, then having to start thinking about a new project too soon after my mind is already blown from defense festivities.

Prayer requests...

Thesis done at the end of this week
Defense date ASAP
Rest before starting my new project
Transcript arrival to my new dept tomorrow

Closer to the Finish Line!

2011-12-18T17:39:00.004-05:00

Aiming to turn in my thesis to my committee at the end of this week; let's hope that is possible. Fingers crossed for a Jan 4 defense date. Then, pending edits, off to WI! I'll be staying over with a friend halfway in Cincinnati before continuing the long journey north. I've been thinking more about winter gear and need to make some housing decisions. Everything is slowly coming together. As always, praise God.

God's Love for us: a Relational Snapshot

2011-12-06T17:53:00.001-05:00

God, as usual, allows light to shine through the cracks of our mistakes, and teaches us all along the way. Through a recent relationship with a friend, I really learned about how God sees us. I feel arrogant in the retelling because I don't want to make myself analogous to God, but I think it's more that Jesus gifted me in this case to see how he sees. I have a friend who hides things from me, and thinks I carry some sort of a disdain because I see the impurity. This person "can't be themselves" around me. I'm seen as pious and far away, in an place out of touch. Oh, how it reminds me of how I feel as a sinner! I just want to hide all that is disgusting, and sometimes I want to stay in it though I deep down I know it's wrong. The last person I want to face is God, because he rightfully judges my actions. I'm tempted to think he's mad at me because of my failures. He wouldn't understand anyway; he's perfect and way above the crap I ensnare myself in. However, what I've learned through this interaction is that is so far from the truth. It breaks my heart that this person is seeking satisfaction in all the wrong things, because I've been there...

"I wander and I want, squander the riches of Your love, it's never enough for me." - Matt Maher

I also see, above all, how great this person is. The actions and the thorns in the heart are, to me, removable. They're not negligible, but I think I see how God sees us. There's a reason God loves us...

"You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes" - 10th Ave N

God sees his incredibly beautiful child, and wants nothing but reconciliation and love from us. God wants us to be no-holds-barred totally in love with him. He wants his bride to show up at the altar. Our infidelity and distance causes him great pain, but he is ready to forgive as soon as we show up. That's Love. How can we tell? The entire Bible, and our journeys today: the relentless pursuit of the created by the creator.

Slowly Saying Goodbye to the South

2011-12-02T16:17:00.001-05:00

All these little things keep happening that make me pause and say "remember this." I feel like I'm slowly saying goodbye to Clemson and everything in this part of the country. In my eagerness to finish and move, I risk not taking it all in, but the little moments remind me to. Today, I may have heard the Clemson fight song live for the last time, as I'm likely not headed to Charlotte this weekend (see my dedication to my thesis?). The band was playing in their usual practice field next to Brooks, and I heard them as I was walking back from the library. At sunset yesterday, the sky looked exactly like my license plate, except for the palmetto and crescent moon silhouette. The piedmont tree silhouette, however, was much more like my home here. There are certainly a lot of things I'll miss about the southeast, and I'm gradually moving out. Of course I'll be back for visits, but feeling the closing of the chapter.

So Sick of Movies!

2011-11-27T18:37:00.001-05:00

While home, I've been watching some pay-per-view new movies with my parents. I'm amazed by the vulgarity of "today's comedy." These movies are visually and linguistically disgusting. There's not even entertainment value IMO. The only clean, enjoyable thing we picked was Harry Potter 7 part 2. Now I remember why I don't have cable or waste money on theater tickets.

Madison Student Housing Ideas

2011-11-26T13:34:00.001-05:00

University Avenue $725

laundry

dishwasher?

State-Langdon $440

water
heat

parking?
furnished?
laundry?

Lake House 5 bed $520

most electric
laundry
heat
furnished

dishwasher?
backyard
parking $55
coed, grad students

Allen house 1 bedroom $760

heat
hot water
fully furnished

laundry room on floor

dishwasher

ideal location

Lincoln ridge $875/2 bedroom = $437.50
W/D, dishwasher
parking?

little far from campus

possibly unsafe neighborhood, terrible reviews

La Ville 2 bed/3 roommates/1 bath $480

fully furnished
internet
cable

dishwasher
laundry on floor
parking
good location

Waiting to hear back on location of another 1 bedroom apartment, and from potential roommate about possible places in town. Also waiting to hear from Brookstone townhomes.

Real Estate Searching!

2011-11-25T12:54:00.001-05:00

Alright friends in the blog-o-sphere: I'm thrilled to be starting a PhD at Univ. Wisc. in Jan. That means I need a house or something resembling a place to live. Any suggestions on developments, apartment buildings, streets, parts of the city? Anyone need a roommate? I'm open to just about anything. Also, my parents are considering buying real estate. They would prefer a 2-3 bedroom lakefront property. I prefer to be as close to campus (specifically my building, Russell lab) as possible. Anyone have the beat on on-campus housing?

Please leave any info in the comments!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T11:44:00.001-05:00

Last weekend at DCF, we gave thanks for the blessings in our lives. We talked about how giving thanks put our hearts in a grateful attitude, and also remembered what God had done. No matter what is going on in our lives, we can be thankful for the character of God.

I'm thankful to have so much to praise for right now! God placed me right where he wanted me to be, and I know he is working in this stressful transitional time. I remember how he worked out all the seemingly impossible details in the past, and know that he will help with a swift completion of my degree. I pray that he shines through all the little considerations and I keep my faith in his plan, which keeps me from worry. Today, I'm thankful to be surrounded by family and friends, and good food.

Redeeming Love

2011-11-23T15:41:00.001-05:00

I was excited to pick up one of the most popular recent Christian fiction works. I heard about it from the secular and religious women alike. In fact, our secretary promptly lent me the copy from her office bookshelf so I started reading on the plane. By paragraph 2 I was groaning...really? The reading level is middle school at best. The writing is immature and the plot transparent. I haven't even finished the prologue, and I'm not sure I'm going to.

Paleo

2011-11-20T17:31:00.001-05:00

In my prehistoric daydreaming, I dream of what it would be like to be a paleolithic hunter. In a weird way, it's kind of my ideal lifestyle, and I thought this post was timely with the latest "paleo" craze. I love the idea of it, but of course people will twist it into some sort of diet without really understanding the principles. Of course humans were meant to be more than just animals, and not only our species but our culture has evolved beyond this way of life. This modern day author studies birds and aspires to conserve them and the land they depend on. I have a God-given humanity, the spirit, reasoning and conscience that sets us apart from the animal kingdom. We have domain over the rest of the world and the responsibility to care for it. I can't revoke that part of me, and I'm not meant to. Still, thinking about health and the type of bodies we're supposed to maintain to survive on this earth, I fancy myself as (well let's even skip forward a few eras) a Pocahontas or any other Native American so closely tied to the ground. What luxuries would I not have, what would change my life and what could I implement?

Sleep. I certainly wouldn't have the luxury of sleeping as long as I wanted if I wanted to provide enough food for the day. A solid 7.5 hr should do me every day, but I have trouble sleeping. When I lose sleep, I want to catch up. A more structured schedule would probably do me good.
Food. No ridiculous caloric intake. I wouldn't be eating venison without earning it, much less the fattened cows or their ice cream from the store.
Activity. There would be no sedentary days unless I was sick. I would be climbing trees, wandering in search of food, stalking, or evading predators. My muscles wouldn't atrophy at a desk.

I'm not sure how strict of paleo I'll go, though I love the idea. When I learn to hunt, I do plan to rely entirely on game meat. Wisc will be a great place to do that, but I have to watch out for CWD too. Good meat is too expensive and still pales in comparison to what you find outdoors. For now, I would like to keep in mind the "gathering value" of what's served to me on a plate or in the grocery store, and sort of reality check with what I need. A basic start to keep one's health in check.

Sleepy!

2011-11-17T11:43:00.001-05:00

I've been rolling on work and excited about my future prospects, and as such I've had a hard time sleeping! It hasn't held me back, though, because I've been ready to get up and do the next thing as soon as my alarm goes off. This morning, though, it is finally catching up to me. I feel a little vacant-minded and my stomach has still been a little upset. Working on the thesis as usual, trying to keep my mind focused and sharp for the day. Hopefully better sleep tonight!

Love Wins?

2011-11-13T15:33:00.001-05:00

I'm a little disappointed in Rob Bell. While I wasn't crazy about my previous read, the valid point is that we're not really to be living in "heaven" so much as the new earth. Preceding that is all sorts of insanity, through which, if I understand correctly, people will clearly see the spiritual and have to pick sides once and for all. Further, the gospel makes it clear that divine justice will be served and no one will be without excuse for their fate. Jesus claims that the "way is narrow." All of this seems to refute what Bell is proposing. What's the deal with this book? While I agree the idea is nice, I'm not sure it's too scriptural.

Last Clemson Home Game!

2011-11-12T09:33:00.001-05:00

Here we are: my last home game as a student at Clemson. (Hint: still need to finish, stat!) I'm currently feeling out tailgate plans and considering making the drive down to campus. My ticket lead may have fallen through but I know of a few good breakfast and after party tailgates. Last game day in Clemson...glad it looks like I'll have the opportunity to enjoy it!

Um....PRAISE

2011-11-09T14:01:00.001-05:00

Praise the Lord!!!!!! Gigantic, amazing blessing, the answer to my prayers and I feel the next step in the path he's leading me down: I got offered my dream PhD position at U.Wisc. I felt years ago that I was meant to end up there, though unsure about the way. Now, it looks as though the door is open. The caveat is the completion of my current degree, which of course I'm working on or thinking about 24-7. It's almost still unreal to me now. These next 2 months will be some hard work and stress but eye on the ball, and still blown away by this amazing opportunity.

Always Something...

2011-11-08T19:39:00.002-05:00

Against my (rare) lack of desire for caffeine, I drank an iced coffee to get myself critically motivated for tonight's work. One last? statistical bug could stand in the way of my results. Let's get this one fixed. I'm writing this from the office in hopes that this will all be smoothed over soon. Can't wait to get the "check off" on what I've done to finish the results section.

Finally, the Home Stretch!

2011-11-06T13:39:00.001-05:00

Things are finally seriously rolling/wrapping up on my thesis: final decisions being made and tying everything together. Exciting, but getting to the point where I'm missing half a day that feels wasted, even on weekends (ex. regretting not rerunning models yesterday morning for hope of a quicker response). No more exploratory analysis; the last options are in front of me. Working to finish as soon as possible and writing away these last steps. Can't wait to be done for good!

Jeep Maintenance

2011-11-05T14:04:00.000-04:00

Herbie (my 2003 liberty) is approaching 130k miles, and I took him in for an oil change. As usual, they're trying to sell me additional stuff. I'll call my dad later and get a 2nd opinion, but any car savvy/non-scamming readers care to comment? They say I need all my fluids changed...

transmission
brake
power steering

And based on mileage, they gave me an estimate for front struts and rear shocks (?...probably screwed that up, we'll see what the receipt looks like when I get it.)

New Laptop

2011-10-22T19:23:00.000-04:00

The upgrade: Lenovo tablet. Liking it so far, but very new so we'll see how it goes. IBM's still have the ugliest designs, but unlike HP tend to last long and be pretty hardy. I don't worry about dropping and shattering this one, because let's face it, I'm a little clumsy. Loaded it up with i7 processor, but have yet to reach a verdict on how it compares to dual core. The screen is beautiful and scratch resistant, and very responsive to touch. Haven't written on it yet with the stylus. So anyway, so far so good!

Resurrection

2011-10-11T14:17:00.001-04:00

Slowly still reading through "Surprised by Hope" and have come to a scientist's regard of the resurrection. I think they missed the point, sort of. While it is a somewhat valid challenge that I feel personally faced with ("how can you believe in something being raised from the dead as a biologist?"), the answer is quite simple: the starting point is that I believe in an omnipotent God. A God that can do anything could certainly raise someone from the dead, especially if you believe he created life itself. I do like Wright's analogy comparing the resurrection to rebuilding a structure around a great gift.

Gossip

2011-10-04T20:48:00.000-04:00

Psalm 69:12
Proverbs 11:13, 16:28, 18:8, 20:19, 26:20, 26:22
Ezekiel 36:3
2 Corinthians 12:20

KT's Tennants

2011-09-25T22:06:00.001-04:00

I really like that our pastor hammers some key concepts into our heads every week.

spend time with God in prayer and in the scripture
God's commands are to...

protect us
bless us

I can never hear that enough, and those clear messages have really helped me in times of trial.

Rougher Seas

2011-09-18T12:25:00.001-04:00

God has been getting me through with little breaks and blessings. I'm dealing with "myself" this week, facing some tough intra-personal issues I've been shoving under the rug. Every day is a new challenge, but I'm making it with his help.

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." - Matt 6:34

This morning, I missed church, but God spoke to me clearly all the way. The morning was beautiful, and he spoke over the lies of the enemy in my life. Last week's blessings came in the form of good dreams, great friends and beautiful migrating warblers in the backyard of our little ghetto house. With the assurance that God is near, I can handle the rising tide.

A Week of Blessings

2011-09-08T22:18:00.001-04:00

Only God could have made all this come together. I went down to Yawkey to pick up a school vehicle, and decided to stay 2 nights. I had a wonderful tour of another lab's research site, complete with 3 birds added to the life list and gourmet southern dinner a la a friend/fellow grad student in my department. I then went to Huntington Beach State Park, and picked up another lifer amid the perfect SC fall weather. I checked my email to find my parking ticket dismissed, and I'm staying in a lovely inn with slashed rates because it's after labor day. Icing on the cake: several Hokies randomly in this same complex! Really a great getaway from my building, with a little sunshine and migration to reset my mind.

Getting the Little Stuff Done

2011-09-05T20:20:00.001-04:00

The little things in life! Finally got the "basic stuff" done except for bureaucratic blockades. Need to hit the post office and city offices tomorrow morning, then my mind will be eased. I got a new audio book for the commute, Descartes' Meditations, and ran several much-needed errands. The project is still running; I keep finding something cool to try at every step, so I should probably reign in my enthusiasm and halt my new explorations. However, I will run a genetic algorithm (glmulti) for my data in the background to see what it turns up. Next stop: Yawkey. Fun and busy week!

Very Tired

2011-09-03T22:36:00.002-04:00

Great day today in Hendersonville! It was a much needed relaxing day. I'm tired and hope to get great sleep tonight. I'm worn out in general. I need to scale back to get some refreshment, I'm currently over-committed in life. Here's to a new start to the week.

Waves of Stress

2011-08-31T13:57:00.000-04:00

...are once again pouring over the bow. I love that DCF (my church) has even further vested itself in prayer, now offering post-service prayer to all after the service near the altar. It's easy to receive and well-attended. Last weekend I attended prayer and a great Christian friend spoke good words to God on my behalf. It soothed my soul and I'm letting those words echo in my heart: mostly the affirmation that stress is of the enemy and that Jesus wants to take my burden, for his is light. Clinging to the promise of peace and rest this week.

Tired of Thinking!

2011-08-14T15:10:00.000-04:00

Help me think. I'm at a dilemma on what to keep/not keep for my ecological variables. Within a landscape class, I have many variables, but not all landscape classes occur in each sample unit. This means that there are missing observations for a variable. Is this OK? If not, I can look at way fewer land types, losing ecological significance. This cannot merely be simplified to setting 0 values for missing observations. In some cases, this is appropriate, but in some it is not. Do I just drop the can't-set-to-0 variables? Is there a threshold # of obs. that is "OK"? If so, how do I determine this?

Perhaps dropping the can't-simplify variables is the answer. It's another way to narrow down the data set, which is what I'm trying to do now. I have consulted other studies that don't at all consider the variables that are "sticking points" and that I don't find particularly important anyway. Also, further restraining my alpha threshold might help the weed-out process.

Mental Dump Into Blog Space

2011-08-08T13:05:00.001-04:00

I think today's title pretty much sums up my blog; I should add that to the header. I finally got my palmetto cluster space/time (no pun intended)! Now to figure out how to submit my stuff on this system. Tomorrow, I move out of Heritage Pt. Luckily I have wonderful friends who have facilitated my indefinite-living-situation in Clemson while I finish the rest of this project and then maybe write a manuscript. Will be much more settled come Weds, now trying to navigate the swirling waters of transitional chaos!

Any Clemson readers who use Palmetto Cluster, leave me some hints in the comments!

Light at the end of the Tunnel?

2011-08-06T14:07:00.000-04:00

I don't think I'm going to mess with the GDM anymore for now...I think I'm just going to stick with the glmselect stuff after all since I can't seem to get palmetto time for bigger jobs. It is what it is. My adviser long ago said your thesis can be "good not great." I'll include further analyses as I crank them out, and would have liked this to have been more robust, but hey, I wanted this project to be a lot of things it isn't. I guess it's all living and learning, and as my first scientific venture, maybe not all so bad. I have definitely learned plenty to go off in the future. Starting finally to really look forward to my next move and think about where it all will take me.

DRD4

2011-08-02T13:39:00.008-04:00

I talked to a few people at the meeting about DRD4 and here's what I came up with in further investigation...the VNTR polymorphism didn't affect approach traits in humans, while C-521T did. There was a correlation with the latter in novelty-seeking and impulsivity, but not extraversion in humans (Murano et al. 2008). I would almost define myself as a novelty seeker...now I want to be genotyped :)

We were of course discussing extraversion and risk-taking in birds, so I found a great tit (ha ha) study. "Frequencies of the three Drd4 SNP830 genotypes, but not the ID15 genotypes, differed significantly between two P. major lines selected over four generations for divergent levels of early exploratory behavior" (Fidler et al. 2007). Novelty was considered...

time it took a bird to visit a 4th tree in the room
reaction 2 different novel objects placed in cage (0-5)

0: didn't touch perch on which object was placed
(responses in between)
5: pecked object

Further, with comparison to unselected birds, they hypothesize that this personality association predates divergence of avian and mammalian lineages. Gruiformes likely had an "imperfect match of the primers" to a study of extracellular regulationn of many orders (Abe et al. 2011).

References

Abe, H. et al. 2011. "Polymorphisms in the Extracellular Region of Dopamine Receptor D4 Within and Among Avian Orders." Journal of Molecular Evolution.

Fidler, A. et al. 2007. "DRD4 gene polymorphisms are associated with personality variation in a passerine bird." Proceedings of the Royal Society B 247(1619).

Murano, M. et al. 2008. "Association of the Dopamine D4 Receptor (DRD4) Gene and Approach-Related Personality Traits: Meta-Analysis and New Data." Biological Psychiatry 63(2).

Correct Script for Running R on Condor @ Clemson

2011-07-28T08:27:00.001-04:00

universe = vanilla
executable = C:\Program Files\R\R-2.12.1\bin\x64\Rscript.exe
requirements = Arch=="X86_64" && OpSys=="WINNT61" && HAS_R212x64
transfer_executable = false
should_transfer_files = true

transfer_input_files = example.r
arguments = --save --verbose example.r
log = log.txt
output = output.txt
error = error.txt

notify_user = no
when_to_transfer_output = on_exit
queue

AOU Meeting!

2011-07-27T17:40:00.000-04:00

Right now I'm at the AOU meeting until the weekend. It is bird awesomeness. I updated my poster, but not with all the stats I'd like. Just got an email back from CCIT re:last post about how to run R on the clusters. If that doesn't run quickly, though, I'm abandoning and going with current results from the thesis. Then, hopefully will be out by the end of next month!

Prayer request: to continue to make great connections here leading to a PhD opp! :)

Condor at Clemson

2011-07-23T14:28:00.003-04:00

Can't figure out why this isn't producing output...messing around with Clemson's condor pool through windows command line. I'm using example.r which in itself runs fine. This bat also runs correctly....

"C:\Program Files\R\R-2.13.1\bin\i386\Rterm.exe" --slave --vanilla < example.r

Now why doesn't this condor script run correctly? When I open the .out in notepad it's blank. I admittedly don't know what/if I need to specify requirements.

Universe = vanilla
Requirements = OpSys=="WINNT51" && Arch=="INTEL"
Executable = test.bat
transfer_input_files = example.r

log = model.log
output=model.out
error = model.err

should_transfer_files = YES
when_to_transfer_output = ON_EXIT

Queue

Facebook?

2011-07-22T21:20:00.000-04:00

Google+ has caused me to do a little social network soul searching, as I think about this new technology. Why did I join face book? I didn't join my space and was actually unaware of it for awhile. I set up my own website in high school, because I was interested in programming, design and the internet. My space just seemed like a cheap template; I never even considered the "add friends" aspect of it...if it was even there back then? Then I joined face book freshman year of college 2004 when it broke onto the scene. I heard about it in the dorm, and it seemed like the "thing to do." My favorite feature was the class schedule listing, but since it was insecure they had to take that out. I can't say definitively why I joined, maybe just to check out the latest net thing, but I used it to look for people in my classes to discuss assignments, etc. I never dreamed of it being more than a college thing, a way to keep up with friends at other universities and get in touch with students at VT. We thought at the time that you might even lose face book once your univ email expired. (Jus reign seems to think this is a good idea "35 you're done!" and outlines many of the annoyances that now plague this network.) In the social network (I have little idea how factual that movie was) Zuckerberg even cites exclusivity as how it beats my space. I never dreamed that everyone I know from all areas of my life would be adding me as a friend and scanning my info. I do like the event feature. Some apps are OK but by and large this feature seems out of control.

So my question is...in light of what I would consider the superior Google+ do I delete my face book account? It will take some time for people to switch over (if they will); face book has become so engrained in our lives that I rely on it for event notification, etc. Everyone assumes that everyone else has face book. I actually liked Plaxo better but it never caught on. So, I'm wondering when (or if) to make the leap and do away with face book for good.

Gomer & the Scattered Jews

2011-07-15T16:08:00.001-04:00

Another reference/discussion from "the Source"...

I am now in "Volkmar," the beginning of the crusades. I've been trying to decide which chapters are my favorite, and it's tough! This book fictionally chronicles the development of Judaism, which drives me to go back to Genesis and look at the Bible-referenced time period. I am reminded of the story of Gomer (novel) and how it weaves into Genesis.

"...and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you shall not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I live, but you will go to my country and to my relatives, and take a wife for my son Isaac."
The servant said to him, "Suppose the woman is not willing to follow me to this land; should I take your son back to the land from where you came?"
Then Abraham said to him, "Beware that you do not take my son back there! The LORD, the God of heaven,who took me from my father's house and from the land of my birth, and who spoke to me and who swore to me, saying, 'To your descendants I will give this land,' He will send His angel before you, and you will take a wife for my son from there. But if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be free from this my oath; only do not take my son back there."

Genesis 24:3-8

This seems to be the inspiration of Makor at the time. The Jews are living amongst the Canaanites, who worship Baal, and are intermingling in this diverse town. Gomer's son marries a lovely Canaanite, who names their son with reverence to Baal, and takes care of Gomer when her son is captured by an invading army. Gomer is then called by God near the well to reject her daughter-in-law, which completely breaks her heart and tears the family apart. She then bids her son to marry a Jewish girl in the foreseen Babylonian exile. Michener does a good job of painting a relational, earthly interpretation of life in the time periods he discusses, adding difficulty and conflict to otherwise seemingly "straightforward" scenes of history.

"Blasphemous" Fiction

2011-07-08T15:49:00.000-04:00

Why do people get so bent out of shape about religious fiction? We all remember the controversy surround the release of the Dan Brown novels. I'm currently reading one that I can imagine may have had the same effect in its time period:

This was referenced in a DCF sermon and I thought I'd read; the author was the big seller of my parent's generation. I need to go back and ask if this book was indeed controversial since it was likewise well-read. I think these things catch on and generate discussion for a few reasons.

1. No matter where they stand, the general US public is still fascinated by the God of the Bible, and anything that approaches this topic is likely to at least catch someone's eye. Feelings about Judaism/Christianity are rarely neutral, so I think when any idea is posited it gives cause for discussion and reflection.

2. We wonder whether or not these things are true or could be true, even when we know the book is fictional. What parts of it are true? We recognize some parts of the story, but the author twists other pieces for literary purposes. We have many unanswered questions from our lack of historical experience within the story, so we look through the characters' eyes and at the clues to learn and interpret. This is where it follows from #1, our reflection and discussion.

Like all powerful lies, it is based on a truth... - C.S. Lewis

As such, I greatly enjoy this book. I have no idea how historically accurate it is. I leave with more questions than answers. Were there such diverse towns? Is this fictional town based off of its historical neighbors? What were the social contexts? What did Hebrew populations not mentioned in the Bible look like? The list goes on forever.

The 1000-year Vacation for the Martyrs

2011-07-05T17:06:00.000-04:00

This is a tricky piece of revelation to begin with. The devil is locked up for 1k years while the martyrs come to life and reign with Christ. The distinction is made between the "visible souls" and the coming to life, and it says the rest of the dead will come to life after the 1k years. Also, the 2nd death will not affect the martyrs.

"Then I saw thrones, and they sat on them, and judgment was given to them. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony of Jesus and because of the word of God, and those who had not worshiped the beast or his image, and had not received the mark on their forehead and on their hand ; and they came to life and reigned with Christ for a thousand years. The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were completed." Revelation 20:4-5

Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat upon it, from whose presence earth and heaven fled away, and no place was found for them. And I saw the dead, the great and the small, standing before the throne, and books were opened; and another book was opened, which is the book of life; and the dead were judged from the things which were written in the books, according to their deeds. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead which were in them; and they were judged, every one of them according to their deeds. Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death, the lake of fire. And if anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire. Revelation 20:11-15

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth ; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. Revelation 21:1

So to me it looks like in the judgement, everyone comes back as they were, which makes sense. However, in the end, there is a whole new heaven and earth, so how can we say that the physical bodies are certainly the same (as argued by Wright)? Indeed we don't go to live in heaven forever, but we instead live on the new earth. Something must at least be happening if we're around for the remaking of all we know, but what? With this, I'm not sure we'll know what it looks like until we get there...except that it will be more than we can possibly imagine now.

Watching the Old Earth Tick Away

2011-07-01T14:36:00.001-04:00

Rereading that subject line, I see an unintended pun reflecting my support of evolution and the big bang theory, but I mean to unify all of that with the Christian belief that this earth will one day be restored. God has placed burdens on all of our hearts, and it is our job to figure out what we shall do to be part of salvation. For some, it is more obvious than others, or has been revealed at different times and in different ways. Those who have been reading this blog already know mine, which is somewhat controversial in traditional western Christianity: I am blessed to have been given a passion for avian studies and conservation. I hear this mentioned seldom in the list of "what Christians might do in the world," once on nearly the last page of "Captivating" by the Eldredge couple.

"Perhaps you are meant to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill." - Stasi Eldredge (217)

I also carry my green NRSV, with several great essays from Christian ecologists and conservationists of our time, and with prayers from the likes of St. Francis of Assisi. I am glad to find that care of the earth is becoming better established and accepted as a commission of the church, but there is still some way to go. There is even further to go to make this a priority for those outside the church who find profit in what I would deem unethical use of wildlife. Our hearts break for different issues and injustices of the world, which is how we find our heart's burdens. We will be burdened as long as this imperfect world remains. My career is driven by this conservation burden, and I am reminded not only that I must act directly as soon as possible and persist in my work directed to the Lord, but that the evil in the world keeps eating away at it so I anxiously await the great restoration.

One of the latest atrocities that has crossed my desk is actually directly related to the research of a friend. I pray for his mission, and that he can impact the use of Furadan in his home country. It kills me that so long as people can rip profit from this earth, they will exploit it and pillage at any consequence.

Revelation 4

2011-06-23T11:44:00.000-04:00

Bringing a quote out of the previous post's comment thread from my blogger pal...

"While Revelation indicates that there are righteous souls here the main focus remains the resurrection of the dead on the new earth." - Eric

To catch everyone up to speed, we're discussing the ideas presented in the aforementioned book Surprised by Hope (N.T. Wright) that I'm reading in my family group (if any interested friends/Clemson folk stumble upon this page, we're still meeting over summer). I was prompted here to continue this discussion and return to Revelation. In 1, John says that we were made to be part of God's kingdom, and that he is coming back to us. He then tells of one "like a son of man" who has the keys to death and Hades. He is instructed to write what he sees and send it to the 7 churches. He is invited in Revelation 4 to come up to heaven, and sees the devastation wreaked on the world to come.

Then the seventh angel sounded; and there were loud voices in heaven, saying, " The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ; and He will reign forever and ever." - Revelation 11:15

Indeed, this is far from the tradition of the floating through the air and walking around in the sky on clouds after death. Read/reading this book? Leave it in the comments!

Death by GIS!

2011-06-22T17:23:00.005-04:00

As GIS continues to eat away at my soul, the provocative book chosen by my family group leader for summer reading is quite appropriate. NT Wright is interesting and strongly opinionated on the subject of death and resurrection, and this will at least be good food for discussion. I'm only in chapter 2 "exploring the options," and interested in his reasoning, though he is already challenging my (Bible-rooted...) notions about heaven. Through my reading of the Bible in 2006, I came with some impressions of heaven; they were somewhat poorly defined, and maybe wrong, but I guess none of us will know until we get there. (That's why I'll start out by saying that such staunch defenses of things that really aren't so well defined in the new testament comes across as a little silly to me.) Nonetheless, I'm along for the ride and look forward to the contemplation.

"It comes as something of a shock, in fact, when people are told what is in fact the case: that there is very little in the Bible about 'going to heaven when you die' and not a lot about a postmortem hell either." p.18

Depending on your translation, heaven appears under different meanings. Cracking my favorite NASB, heaven indeed refers to the "expanse" above, as separate from earth (Genesis 1:8, 2:4). In Genesis 28, Jacob dreams of a ladder between heaven and earth, and angels traverse back in forth, and the Lord lives above in heaven. He awakes to declare that the dream must have been inspired by Bethel, and that it is the gate of heaven and the dwelling place of the Lord (here we see the union of heaven and earth).

I agree with where Wright is going, to challenge the notion of the heaven that most applies to us as far off or something we read about in a fairytale, but I think his set-in-stone delivery carries him off base. He dismisses the illustrations and literary devices altogether.

Anyone else read this? Start a comment discussion!

Dark Ages of Spatial Pattern Analysis

2011-06-13T12:42:00.003-04:00

I have discovered that I am living in the dark ages of spatial pattern analysis, trying in vain to compute landscape metrics for a thesis at the worst possible time for this software. None of the alternative 3rd party software is up to date. It appears that Arc 10 updated their projection files, which is why none of them work. IAN runs on some outdated version of Ruby. My best solution is to run patch analyst on 9.2, which comes with its own pile of errors. The batch function is terribly buggy and just crashed Arc, will start over and just run everything through a model. "Iterate raster" hadn't been yet invented in the times of 9.2, so can't use that in the model.

I have basically had to step 5 years back in time. I also have discovered that our GIS faculty & students consistently use different versions of Arc to accomplish their goals. Is this really happening?!

Done With Polygons!

2011-06-03T11:08:00.002-04:00

I have finally completed a hand-drawn LULC layer for my golf courses +1km buffer. It is great to be done, but I'm not totally jumping up and down yet; there is still much to be done. Next is the habitat analysis and of course, much of the thesis to be written. As for habitat analysis, my prof has, in the past, used FRAGSTATS. I am meeting with one of our GIS specialists on Monday, though, to talk about native tools in Arc. I know a little about the spatial stats toolbox but have plenty to learn. Any thoughts/suggestions on GIS habitat metrics? Leave in the comments!

The latest audiobook keeping me company through all this...

Consistency & Considerations for Mapping Habitats

2011-05-24T11:48:00.001-04:00

I have overlaid a 30x30m grid to identify the largest possible scale at which I'd want to consider habitat types, but my accuracy is finer than that, as I am delineating within the cells of the grid. This is taking awhile, and I'm concerned that my habitat classes are too broad. From winter aerial photography, I'm not sure what is live oak and what is pine, though in some cases I can guess. I'm calling everything "forest" and will perhaps try to break it up further on the second run-through. I'm also using habitat classes from a previous thesis that may again be too broad for my purposes. For example, I've been classifying all development intensities as "developed," but I am probably concerned with more than that. Also, if I want to edit some of the current snapped, continuous polygons, how easy will it be to make that coverage continuous again? Headaches, exacerbated by a ticking clock and a turning calendar. At least I'm entertained by my audio book.

I had a wonderful camping weekend that cleared my mind, and where I had some time to commune with God in my favorite of all places, the Blue Ridge. He reminded me that I was taken care of and not forgotten, and further that all my current little stress-inducing issues would all pass and everything would be fine. Also, he reminded me that my dreams are on track, though I get lost in the little technicalities of sitting in front of Arc for hours. I need almost constant encouragement from the Holy Spirit in order to get through what seems like a rushed process. I would be happier with the whole thing had this been a work in progress, with further application than just my project, instead of feeling like I'm slapping something together in a tight time constraint. That is my biggest, general complaint about this project.

Concerns Over new Landscape Analysis Method & Life in General

2011-05-08T19:33:00.001-04:00

We're working on a timeline for my landscape analysis, and I'm just worried that I'm going to get hung up on stupid technical issues without someone there to offer timely help. I'm currently working on a new comparative method that will be time-consuming and tedious, but potentially useful in answering questions about small-scale landscape classification. I'm just trying to make progress and get the thesis done in a timely manner, preferably by late June. From there, I'm working on plans for next year, and trying to decide (if not in a PhD program) if I'd want to target a new geographic region to spend some time in a seasonal position. I'd like to try the pacific northwest in fall, and trying to decide if it's worth it to take a job in this area for a year or if it's time to move on. I'm also trying to decide if I'd want to move back to my home state to work near my family for a bit, since it's been awhile since I've spent some time with them, or if I want to continue right on exploring the four corners of the world. Decisions and tight timelines, it's a mentally taxing time. Luckily a lot of my friends are around for summer, and I'm getting to spend good time with them and plan some camping trips/day hikes.

Spring Prayer Request

2011-03-23T15:16:00.000-04:00

Any and all readers, I'd appreciate your prayers in the upcoming weeks, and I'm also posting this to remind myself to be prayerful. I need God's guidance in upcoming school/work decisions, as well as the single-mindedness to work for him. I also need wisdom and discerning in my interactions with others, as I navigate sometimes stressful relationships.

I had a great sunset walk with God yesterday evening, where he led me to a ridge on an abandoned forest road. I was reminded that I cannot do anything outside of his strength, and that I want my life to point to him. I want him to be conveyed through my relationships, and I was reminded that he is all that is good about me. I can't hide this great gift that I have found, which is freely available to anyone. Why would anyone put the light under a barrel? I was also reminded of the value of prayer time. I like checklists, so prayer sometimes falls to the bottom as a clear goal isn't necessarily accomplished during the allotted minutes I talk to God. Yesterday evening, I found that solace and relaxation comes through the "doing nothing" of prayer time, and that I previously had little to no conscious concept of that. Though I do fun and relaxing things, I rarely ever sit without a goal. If I sit outside, I'm counting birds. If I go into the woods, I'm going to a new destination. In the dusk hours, though, I simply sat on top of my car and watched the sunset. I saw birds, and was reminded that every one of them is a blessing. I also calmed my mind enough to hear God, and remembered what it was like to set aside the world for some time. That did me a world of good, and showed how regular that needs to be in my life.

Spring Break

2011-03-19T17:02:00.000-04:00

I have a semi-relaxing transition(?) back to the office, in that most of the town is off on spring break. Here I will have time to catch up on my thesis work and enjoy some of the great southeastern weather. Nebraska was great, and I enjoyed my first visit to the mid-west. I realized in that trip, though, that I love the blue ridge and the southeast. I want to travel a lot in the upcoming years and work in various environments, but I think I'm narrowing down my ideal living destinations as I go.

Nebraska

2011-03-10T08:08:00.000-05:00

My blog absence has been due to a busy period, that has culminated in 2 meetings in NE. I've been working day and night on data analysis, and preparing a poster that now hangs in the Younes conference center. It's been a great push to really get moving on my thesis. Last night, at the opening reception, I met several great students and ornithologists. I'll be in NE for 10 days before heading back on the 17th. Here's to the mid west!

What we do @ DCF

2011-02-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

My church's podcast: http://dcfclemson.org/sunday-gathering/teaching-podcast/

I've been in love with this series. KT & Paul have done an awesome job digging into the context and message of the Pauline letters, pulling out the teachable and challenging elements. Very enlightening.

Captivating

2011-02-21T13:05:00.001-05:00

Finally reading this bestseller that I missed in a women's group meeting years back.

It is food to my womanly soul! I won't bore my mostly male readers with a poor synopsis, but I would recommend to all, and I plan to read "Wild at Heart." I was curious about the tone of the introduction to the book, but have found its aim to be true in me. I am experiencing healing through explanation and the sisterly connections found in the pages. A wonderful glimpse into the heart of womankind, and thus far I have found it all to be strikingly true in my life. Definitely recommended!

Daydreaming

2011-02-17T14:47:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if this is common to everyone, but I'm given to daydreaming. This is good and bad. I like to ponder things, and can be quite content just sitting quietly and thinking/theorizing. On the other hand, my fantasy world can run away with me, and I can get lost between what I conjured and reality. The illusions can be beautiful, and can entice the dreamer to live where circumstances differ from what they really are.

How common is this in your life? Thoughts? As always, the comment box is open.

Breaking Habits

2011-02-15T12:45:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's February and I'm still working on my new year's resolution! It didn't go out the window last month, when the newness of the idea wore off. I had the brand-new-year enthusiasm to lead a more disciplined life, and now it's slightly harder work. I'm succeeding in some areas, and uphill climbing in others. I've gotten into a good workout routine, and enjoy going to fitness classes at the campus gym. I'm starting to feel more like my old self: higher metabolism, more energy, and stronger. I haven't worked out rigorously since high school, and for awhile in college my metabolism stayed pretty high. When I went through the rough time described in a previous post, I became less naturally active, ate worse, and my metabolism plummeted. Now, I'm trying to get it back, and am feeling the good changes already. I really think it's helping me balance and deal with the other stress in my life.

Now, I need to actively fight to put God back in the morning and evening prayer routine. It's easy to look for fulfillment or enjoyment elsewhere, and I've fallen out of the habit. Now he's making me acutely aware of distraction, and what it takes to be the disciple I want to be. So, working on wisdom and keeping my mind pointed toward him.

Feelings as a Guide

2011-02-12T23:54:00.000-05:00

It's no secret (to me at least) that I'm terrible with feelings. My heart has been tied in knots for weeks, culminating in tears after a few drinks with friends last night. Finally, tonight I parked by the lakeside after a get-together with a few friends to sort some things out. I have always tried to think away what I feel, or just plain ignore it, and tonight, I finally came to the realization that feelings serve a purpose. They can be signposts to what you really need and what is going on. Further, I realized that if you fail to acknowledge and deal with them, they actually guide you more than you realize. Avoidance of pain/difficulty is the easy way out. So, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in acknowledging what I feel, and understanding what it means. I suppose this could be interesting; it's certainly new territory.

"What to Make of all This?"

2011-02-05T14:27:00.002-05:00

Wrestling with God from Genesis into Exodus, I'm trying to understand this 2nd book of the Bible. Going on the previous post about the sources, Eric has an insightful comment about "inerrant." (Please check out his latest post, Virtue Into Vice, where perhaps we share the tendency to overstress the intellectual. :) The question is probably not whether the Bible is right or wrong, but about what it really says. I've picked this book off the library shelf, trying to better understand the historical and literary components of Exodus. I again refer to that other post in acknowledging there is probably a very human component to the record, as it likely was passed down for centuries in oral tradition. My thoughts here are forming and evolving (as I guess they always are), and currently I'm wondering that in truly understanding the meat of the story, we are reminded that God is way bigger than this text. Sometimes, I think the Bible is reduced to something of an all-inclusive manual, and I don't know that we see the richness of the workings if we take it at face value. I've already taken my evolutionary biology knowledge to bat with the conservative only-the-text interpretation, and mentioned back when in a response to an intelligent design person how dangerous this "tenant to faith" can be. One thing we gain through fellowship, if we can open our minds enough to drink it in, is a wealth of new perspectives on the same verse/chapter of the Bible. While we certainly need to be aware of everything we allow into our minds, if we can similarly be humble enough to listen to something other than our own conceptions, we can learn (and frankly, only then can we learn). I very much enjoy lit/historical criticism, but I'm young in my study, and haven't spent much time at all hacking away at this part of the Old Testament. I'm comfortable with a non-literal-but-totally-God-glorifying interpretation of Genesis, and I'm trying to understand what is really going on with the Exodus account. Please leave any good Exodus information sources in the comments.

"Today, only the most conservative biblical scholars champion a literal reading of the Exodus narrative." - Sivertsen

Passover

2011-02-03T14:35:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about observing passover this year. It's an interesting remembrance, and a reminder of the great miracle of Exodus. This is the feast of unleavened bread, where the Jews are not to eat leavened bread for a week to commemorate God sparing them from death. In the original occurrence, they first slaughter the lamb, with very specific instructions on how to consume it, and use the blood as a marker to protect the children from death. Now, the week begins and ends with a day of no work. I have trouble with the sabbath concept, as I'm always thinking about what work I can do next. However, I've heard of the modern application and why it's useful to have one day/week of zero work. It sounds healthy, and probably would be a useful help in my goal toward a more balanced life. So perhaps, I'll try it starting April 18. (That might, though, be close to my defense so we'll see how that works...)

When you come to the land that the Lord will give you, as he has promised, you shall keep this observance. And when your children ask you, "What do you mean by this observance?" you shall say, "It is the passover sacrifice to the Lord, for he passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt, when he struck down the Egyptians but spared our houses." And the people bowed down and worshiped. Exodus 12:25-27

Exodus: What God Gave us and What he Didn't

2011-01-31T21:58:00.001-05:00

Something interesting happens in this book: God gives people his commands, written in stone, right from his hands. With the divine origin of the commandment tablets, there's no doubting that these are the ultimate and undisputed rules. What's interesting to me, though, and I think important to consider in the "completely inerrant" debate, is that the Bible was not handed to us this way. The Bible was written by people to share and preserve their experiences with God. This opens the door to literary and historical criticism. I think it's interesting that this is how God would choose to share his word, and I think it is somewhat expected. Throughout history, and throughout our lives, God does not take our free will away. He chooses to complete his story through us, when we participate (and sometimes when we don't know we're participating). He chose to allow his people to share the stories with generations of their own to come, perhaps so we could relate to and understand the writers. In this, we participate in analysis and interaction with the community of authors.

So Moses went out of the city from Pharaoh, and spread out his hands to the LORD; and the thunder and the hail ceased, and rain no longer poured on the earth. Exodus 9:33

So Moses stretched out his staff over the land of Egypt, and the LORD directed an east wind on the land all that day and all that night; and when it was morning, the east wind brought the locusts....He went out from Pharaoh and made supplication to the LORD. Exodus 10:13, 18

Exodus

2011-01-30T20:48:00.007-05:00

I'm still curious about the historical context, as Exodus is hotly debated. Maybe will find a book on this topic, yet another to add to my reading list. I like Moses because he reminds me of myself sometimes. He answers God's call with a "here I am" (Exodus 3:4) but then goes onto doubt every bit of the plan, and tries to get out of it. There is an unprecedented exchange between God and man in this book.

After a long time the king of Egypt died. The Israelites groaned under their slavery, and cried out. Out of the slavery their cry for help rose up to God. Exodus 2:23

Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and bring the Israelites out of Egypt? If I come to the Israelites and say to them, "The God of your ancestors has sent me to you," and they ask me, "What is his name?" what shall I say to them? - Moses, Exodus 3:11, 13

Then Moses answered, "But suppose they do not believe me or listen to me, but say, 'The Lord did not appear to you.'" The Lord said to him, "What is that in your hand?" He said, "A staff." - Exodus 4:1-2

"O my Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor even now that you have spoken to your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue...O my Lord, please send someone else." - Moses, Exodus 4:10, 13

"O Lord, why have you mistreated this people? Why did you ever send me? Since I first came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has mistreated this people, and you have done nothing at all to deliver your people." - Moses, Exodus 5:22-23

"The Israelites have not listened to me; how then shall Pharaoh listen to me, poor speaker that I am?" - Moses, Exodus 6:12

Then Moses and Aaron went out from Pharaoh; and Moses cried out to the Lord concerning the frogs that he had brought upon Pharaoh...So Moses went out from Pharaoh and prayed to the Lord. Exodus 8:12, 30

Affirming God

2011-01-29T00:07:00.002-05:00

There's a prayer tradition found throughout the Bible, and especially the OT, where the petitioner affirms who God is. I like this, and need to incorporate it more into my own prayer. It's humbling. Sometimes they appeal to the days of old, when God did things in the collective memory of the nation. Here, though, the nation is just beginning, and Israel both remembers and witnesses.

He blessed Joseph, and said, "The God before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac walked, the God who has been my shepherd all my life to this day, the angel who has redeemed me from all evil, bless the lads; may my name live on in them, and the names of my fathers Abraham and Isaac; may they grow into a multitude in the midst of the earth." Genesis 48:15-16

I thank the God who gave his only son for someone far less worthy, and who has shielded me from danger every day of of my life. He found my life worthy of saving, and he enjoys pouring out blessings on me. Israel goes onto talk about the nation that God promised him. Here is the setup for another blessing switcharoo.

By you Israel will pronounce blessing, saying, "May God make you like Ephraim and Manasseh!" - Israel, Genesis 48:20

Let another brother vs. brother power struggle begin.

"For Your salvation I wait, O LORD." - Israel, Genesis 49:18

Taking Down the "Faith Shield"

2011-01-25T15:33:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in the archives of nlcf audio is a talk by Jim Pace about our armor of faith. If I find it, I'll link it. Here is my probably mangled paraphrase: we use faith as a shield, but when stuff starts flying at it, it gets a few dents and scratches. Maybe something doesn't work out the way we hoped, or we have trouble seeing God in the situation. Jim warned us to not put away that shield altogether, and I wonder if mine has been stashed under the bed over the course of the past few years.

It all started when I didn't obey God about a relationship decision, and the whole thing was torn to shreds in spectacular fashion. I thank him that it was, and that a door was closed that definitely needed to be. In the process of my own disobedience, I was quite hurt, and knew that I needed to follow God in his path for me. Matters of faith were tied up in the whole get-together and break up, and I think that's where my evangelistic work took a major hit. I started to not put up that shield so much in my interactions with people, and thus not share the gospel as much. I was also in the process of entirely switching academic communities, and while this was just an extra push out the door toward where I needed to go, that was tumultuous to say the least. In fact, I still find it difficult to totally forgive the parties involved, and I know it's a thorn in my heart that needs to be pulled out. From there, I think my zeal waned, but healing and moving back toward the exuberant faith I had back then will be a step of maturity, and toward an ultimately stronger faith. After these events, including a really rough academic and personal semester that put me into a bit of a depression, even more happened, and this time on a globally recognized scale. This was Fall 2006, and in Spring 2007 our lives at VT would be changed forever by a close-to-home experience with pure and flagrant evil. There's too much to say about that, and I don't want to go into it in this post, except to say it was perspective-warping and in some ways indescribable, leaving very deep wounds. The summer after that, while it had its highlights, was overall a pretty bad one. I was in a terrible schedule, with early classes in Dublin and late hours with my friends (within a group that would ultimately serve me a cutting betrayal). The following semester was one of great stress, as I tried to make up much classwork in order to finish my new-found degree in a reasonable time. This is where any serious experience I had with anxiety sunk in, and I started to ask God why I had this "thorn in my side." After that, things started to really look up. It was the next semester that I would discover my love of ornithology, and God would open the door for the field work that I am now about to complete for a M.S. Though there is tumult, I know he is guiding every step in my next academic move.

It's been awhile, but I'm finally dealing with some of these things that I shoved down under and refused to fully work through during the rough time in my life. I started to really reflect, and realize that in some way or another, the things I never addressed were affecting me, and my walk with God. So, I'm on a journey to finally get down to the core of some issues in my heart and work through the issues as I see them.

The Biggest Lesson I Learned Last Night

2011-01-23T16:34:00.002-05:00

...was definitely not from the pastor speaking. Mere hours after I wrote the post below, I feel as though I was remiss in standing up for what I should have, and I learned that I can never keep silent again. All is not lost, though, as it looks like I will have a chance to talk with the friend who invited me to last night's "Bible study." A friend from VT now also lives in the upstate of South Carolina, and he graciously invited me to his home for a Saturday night young adult's group, led by the church pastor with a little worship music. What came in the lesson was absolutely appalling.

For 2 hours, I listened to a man berate the scientific community (never mind that 2 sentences later he claimed to "love science"), claim that evolutionary biologists (like myself?) were just trying bait and switch people with terms, and that the "old earth" (I hate this term but I'm repeating what was said) hypothesis was just an atheistic agenda to make evolution work. As you can imagine, I was furious; my heart was about beating out of my chest and my stomach was cramping listening to load after load of nonsense. It was here that I think God called me to stand up for truth, ALL truth, and I did not. I didn't want to be rude, and I wasn't sure that in a room full of people who follow this man, anyone would even listen. I now know I was wrong, and my words could have at least made some impact. I was invited back to challenge the discussion by this friend. After talking with my friend, whom I intend to have a deeper discussion with later, something was revealed between the lines that angered me more than the lies told that night (including that the Galapagos finches don't really change and that the Industrial Revolution moth experiment was staged).

My friend has just recently come to Christ, and is someone I don't keep in touch with enough; hopefully that will change. I have a feeling I know what happened for all this to unfold. My friend has a history of being a highly intelligent engineer, so I asked him in a brief online message after the study, "...do you really believe that stuff?" I got a response about how becoming a Christian was hard because he had been taught evolution, and that Christ had changed his life, and he was very grateful, etc. He also had almost no previous knowledge of Christianity. It was here that, coupled with my own research on this church, I have a hypothesis about what happened. The community is very nice, and I enjoyed everyone there. My guess is that someone reached out to him, and he then came to know Christ and went to this church. It was there that he got the saving doctrine of Christ, but what burns me to the core is that he was also given all these other claims that he needed to accept to be a "real Christian." It reminds me of the circumcision story.

But some of the sect of the Pharisees who had believed stood up, saying, "It is necessary to circumcise them and to direct them to observe the Law of Moses." The apostles and the elders came together to look into this matter. After there had been much debate, Peter stood up and said to them, "Brethren, you know that in the early days God made a choice among you, that by my mouth the Gentiles would hear the word of the gospel and believe. And God, who knows the heart, testified to them giving them the Holy Spirit, just as He also did to us; and He made no distinction between us and them, cleansing their hearts by faith. Now therefore why do you put God to the test by placing upon the neck of the disciples a yoke which neither our fathers nor we have been able to bear?" Acts 15:5-10

And the admonition at the end of Revelation: don't add anything to Scripture! There were so many incorrect things said last night, and then in complete contradiction to himself, the pastor said that he doesn't like to talk about things that aren't in the Bible because then we're being philosophical. From what I could tell, his only problem with evolution was that the word wasn't physically written on the page (but that didn't stop him from pontificating about it for a long time. After that, much time was spent counting how many times words/phrases occurred in Genesis.)

I'm sure I'll have even more to unload about this in future posts, but for now, that's my rant (at least part 1).

Answering the Call of God

2011-01-22T11:24:00.001-05:00

I feel like I've been hitting the big gun lessons lately, the oft-cited and referenced pieces of the Bible. Today will be no different. This isn't a particularly important passage, but an example of the response we see all the time when God speaks to someone.

God spoke to Israel in visions of the night and said, "Jacob, Jacob." And he said, "Here I am." Genesis 46:2

Another basic from the church sermon play book: be ready to answer that call, whenever and however it comes. Let yourself be an instrument of God's work, completely willing to follow his plan, wherever it leads. I pray that my ears are open to hearing his will, and that I follow it earnestly. I have a lot of big decisions about my future coming up, so I need to be reading my spiritual compass and truly pointing my heart toward God.

Joseph & the Technicolor Dreamcoat

2011-01-21T10:53:00.002-05:00

I have never seen the play, but again we're hitting on one of my favorite biblical stories. I love this one because God tells Joseph what he's going to do in a dream, and follows through in the most unlikely of ways. In the hardest times, it looks like the dream was just a dream, and the situation could not be more bleak. There are even times when it looks like this is going to be the way in which the story will come to climax, and the redemption path stops short. It's always a reminder to me that if God says he'll do something, he will, but it might not look like what we'd expect. At times, it might look like he's not there at all, but the story continues on levels we can't see in our own lives. The story might not take a straight line, and the detours are out of our control, but we must stay faithful, as God will stay faithful to us. In my pride, sometimes I forget that my life is part of God's storyline, and not my own. I need to remember that his way is best, and he is totally in control. His blessing be upon you!
P.S. I really get a kick out of the ending, where Joseph totally messes with the brothers that sold him into slavery, before revealing his identity.

"Take your brother also, and arise, return to the man; and may God Almighty grant you compassion in the sight of the man, so that he will release to you your other brother and Benjamin." - Israel, Genesis 43:13-14

As he lifted his eyes and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother's son, he said, "Is this your youngest brother, of whom you spoke to me?" And he said, "May God be gracious to you, my son." - Joseph, Genesis 43:29

Wrestling with God

2011-01-17T12:52:00.000-05:00

Then he said, "Let me go, for the dawn is breaking."
But he said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
So he said to him, "What is your name?"
And he said, "Jacob."
He said, "Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed."
Then Jacob asked him and said, "Please tell me your name."
But he said, "Why is it that you ask my name?"
Genesis 32:26-29

This set of verses has often been the subject of metaphors I've heard spoken within the church community, and I think a really great part of the story. It's interesting here, though, that Jacob doesn't really see God face to face, and perhaps that is why God must leave at dawn. Jacob fights through the adversity that God places in his path (the dislocation). I thought "striven" here was a loaded translation. The word can I guess mean fought in opposition, but I think here the Princeton definition best conveys the sentiment..."endeavor: attempt by employing effort; to exert much effort or energy." Of course Jacob is never really "fighting against" God, but I think rather wrestling with faith and his walk, as we all do. So it gets interesting when he demands a "surrender," not knowing that the blessing he asks for indeed carries the weight and favor of the Lord. So remember, sometimes we are wrestling with God, not against him (though it may very well seem that way), in our walk of faith.

Anxious Nights

2011-01-15T00:10:00.000-05:00

I'm further sorting out a trend that has been going on in my life for quite some time. I'm beginning to identify and understand it a little bit more. I go about my day normally, getting done what I want to/need to get done, as time allows. We all have felt as though there are not enough hours in the day, but even so, I'm generally relaxed during/right after a hard day's work. I'm a little tired, so I relax toward the evening hours. Then, perhaps I'm rested up, or perhaps I let the wheels spin too long, and before I know it I'm awake again. Left just to my own thoughts, I think too much. I like "worrying too much about tomorrow" and what I want to do, and where I want to be in the future. All of the sudden, the world is not at rights anymore. It feels like I'm so far from the life I want that there's still so much to be done, so it keeps me up, anxious that I don't have what I want. Some (if not all) of it is irrational. I'm taking life as it comes, and taking steps in time. But once I trail off into this future thinking, I want it all sped up. This, I think, is unhealthy. I pray for patience to take my life step by step, as it comes.

Boot Camp

2011-01-14T17:09:00.000-05:00

Right now, I feel like I'm in the boot camp phase of this new discipline in my life. It's hard sometimes, but I feel like I'm always moving in the right direction. I'm much more "no nonsense" when it comes to my mental wanderings, daily activities, etc. Being much more mindful of what goes into and simmers in my mind has been interesting. I find that I have some hard daydreaming habits to break. I think Christians sometimes get a bad wrap for being "prude," but to my non-Christian readers out there, try to understand what I mean. I remember the trailer for some movie, where the mom won't let her kid listen to Kiss because it is "the devil." I'm not trying to say that, but I am saying that I want productive and clean messages in my ears when, for example, I'm driving. I want positivity that will lead me in the right direction, and set my mind on a good path as opposed to a negative one. Therefore, I'm paying more attention to what goes through the filter. As for physical health, I have a gym class buddy, and we went yesterday. It was a great start to what I hope to be a back-on-track all-around fitness semester.

2011 Resolution

2011-01-06T11:19:00.000-05:00

I feel as though God has been imposing a resolution on me this year: discipline of the mind, heart, and body. I used to be a disciplined person, but it went out the window somewhere during college. I think it has been an important part of the growing process, though. I stopped doing things just because I "should" do them and asked myself why I did what I did. Lately, I've lived an unstructured life. Yet, I have seen what a routine can bring to my day and thus my life. Also, I've been chasing whatever feels good to the flesh, but I'm starting to see that my quest to be the best me is affected by each choice I make. I've been paying better attention to what goes through the filter from media into my mind, and how it affects my thought patterns (discipline of the mind). I'm also trying to really "take my thoughts captive" and keep my mind where it should be and away from pits. In the same vein, I'm trying to make sense of and reel my heart back to where it should be pointed. For the body, I'm exploring how I can change my routine and get back to dedication to nutrition. In paying attention to my decisions each moment, I'm slowly learning how discipline will improve my life and who I am.

2011 Prayer

2010-12-31T11:04:00.002-05:00

I need to remember, for this upcoming year, that God is in control and has the plan for my life. When a circumstance doesn't work out like I'd hoped, I need to remember that God has a different path for me. I pray that God overcomes earthly circumstances to carry out his plan for my life, whether that looks like what I would choose or not. I trust he is sovereign and "knows best," and I apologize for sometimes obstructing the flow of his will in my life. Upcoming is another great transition, which is both exciting and stressful. This year will begin with the thesis push to graduate, and then a move to somewhere completely different in the US. Then it will be a whole new environment of people to meet, a new church, and hopefully a new school. This time next year, my external life once again will look totally different.

Decipher the Verse

2010-12-24T00:02:00.000-05:00

Here's a pretty famous Paul quote, and one of my favorites. In it lies the spark of my favorite branch of study, apologetics. Paul states that unsound arguments against Christ are to be taken down. The next little bit, though, confuses me. I've seen this interpreted many times as that we are to take all our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, which may well be the correct interpretation (or an acceptable one). Yet its placement following "the apologetics verse" makes me wonder if in context it's just talking about the same thing, restated and reinforced. In other words, are they taking the thoughts of the unbelievers captive, in the same way that they're destroying their speculations?

We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete. 2 Corinthians 10:5-6

What do you think? Leave it in the comments!

The Greatest Challenge

2010-12-21T16:56:00.001-05:00

From the book listed below, Bill says...

"If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus."

O God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac, O LORD, who said to me, "Return to your country and to your relatives, and I will prosper you," I am unworthy of all the loving kindness and of all the faithfulness which You have shown to Your servant; for with my staff only I crossed this Jordan, and now I have become two companies. Deliver me, I pray, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau; for I fear him, that he will come and attack me and the mothers with the children. For You said, "I will surely prosper you and make your descendants as the sand of the sea, which is too great to be numbered." Genesis 32:9-12 NASB

God and His Challenges

2010-12-20T00:28:00.000-05:00

God likes to give us hard stuff to do, huh? I need to remember that whatever I'm doing in his name, I'm not actually doing. He will do the heavy lifting, but it looks scary from our limited, human perspectives.

I'm at a weird place in life right now. I'm on winter break at home for a little while, and in this break I have a few things to get done before I go back next month. I feel like I have a few things to figure out too. I've been in an odd mindset, in that things have just gone on hold recently. It's hard to explain, but all those priorities that keep me from spending good time with God have taken a backseat. I've been able to dive into some literature lately that has gotten me a little closer to a good place with the Lord, and I believe some of the challenges that are starting to emerge are for the purpose of bringing me closer to him (shocking). I need to get a balance of it all in life, and a few tasks in particular that have presented themselves look aimed at just that. I've always felt as though God has called me to those who aren't in the faith in the communities right around me. Most of my friends aren't Christians, and as Donald Miller echoes my sentiments, I'm a sheep about sharing my faith. I never want to alienate people, but God has put a pretty interesting set of things on my plate lately. I'm sorry that I'm being intentionally vague, but it's not the right time to share specifics right now. I will need prayer in witnessing effectively and just letting God rule my tongue, my heart and my life in this upcoming time. In order to make this work, I need to get glued back to him through prayer and life. Help me, Lord.

I'm also feeling the ever-present struggle strongly lately, between the worldly and the heavenly in my life. Gravity has had an incredible pull on me as of late, and I'm fighting but it's a tough grip to break.

"May God Almighty bless you and make you fruitful and multiply you, that you may become a company of peoples. May He also give you the blessing of Abraham, to you and to your descendants with you, that you may possess the land of your sojournings, which God gave to Abraham." Genesis 28:3-4

So Jacob rose early in the morning, and took the stone that he had put under his head and set it up as a pillar and poured oil on its top. Genesis 28:18

Then the angel of God said to me in the dream, "Jacob," and I said, "Here I am." Genesis 31:11

Laban said, "This heap is a witness between you and me this day." Therefore it was named Galeed, and Mizpah, for he said, "May the LORD watch between you and me when we are absent one from the other. If you mistreat my daughters, or if you take wives besides my daughters, although no man is with us, see, God is witness between you and me. Behold this heap and behold the pillar which I have set between you and me. This heap is a witness, and the pillar is a witness, that I will not pass by this heap to you for harm, and you will not pass by this heap and this pillar to me, for harm. The God of Abraham and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us." So Jacob swore by the fear of his father Isaac. Then Jacob offered a sacrifice on the mountain, and called his kinsmen to the meal; and they ate the meal and spent the night on the mountain. Early in the morning Laban arose, and kissed his sons and his daughters and blessed them. Then Laban departed and returned to his place. Genesis 31:48-55

Human Mating Systems

2010-12-16T15:54:00.001-05:00

I like to keep it real on this blog, hence the title. Let's talk about the load of crap that's being peddled about human mating systems these days. There's a preview for a movie out called "No Strings Attached," and deals with what to me is an interesting, hot-button issue about the role of sex. Natalie Portman plays a doctor who wants sex but has no time nor interest in a relationship. As a biologist of sorts, she has a dangerous tag line being marketed in theaters everywhere, that her character believes that it's against our biological nature to be monogamous.

Stop the presses. First of all, there are many monogamous species besides humans. Where I could see her argument come in, though, is the example of "monogamous" songbirds who often have extra-pair copulations. They're spreading and mixing genetic material, with the semblance of "fidelity" in order to support and raise a nest. Let's talk about painted buntings (I wonder why). Females pick a male territory they like, mate, and build a nest in that territory. They lay eggs, and the male is hanging out on his borders defending the area. He also defends his mate of interlopers that come in and try to copulate with her. He wants to be sure that nest is carrying his material, especially if he's going to be feeding fledglings while she works on nest #2. So long as the farce of monogamy as we know it is kept up, everyone is happy and the nest has 2 parents, greatly enhancing success.

This resembles some human mating systems of 2010. So long as one doesn't know the other is cheating, life goes on, the house is shared, and the children are cared for by 2 adults. Also, hormones tell men (sperm is energetically cheap) to spread the material as far and wide as possible, while estrogen tells women (eggs are expensive) to look for that right guy to invest in. If she's going to be carrying the baby for 9 months, it better be with a worthy mate. I think what Natalie's character must be referring to, though, is the sheer impetus to mate, and if I remember correctly, she implies that women should also mate with many partners. Interestingly, she contradicts herself by having one go-to guy, with seemingly great genes.

Now, we come to another contradiction. What she's getting at, of course, is that her biological makeup should support "no strings attached." We have a desire to mate and feel good, so let's just go with it. But if we're really going along with the biological argument, why aren't we going all the way? Why have protected sex? If you really think that this mating behavior is biological, and that's your reason for doing it, then you can't stop short of the purpose of it and stop yourself from producing progeny. That is not biological.

Ah, so now we admit there is indeed a thought process involved that goes beyond our biology. There is a rational decision being made that this would-be mother doesn't want to take time out of her life, or perhaps with this mate, to have a child. So long as you're not trying to produce offspring, the biological argument for "no strings attached" sex breaks down. In a biological system that resembles humans, you want strings attached by progeny and pair bond, and insofar as you're concerned, monogamy. From the female perspective (only dealing with mating systems), monogamy ensures paternal care and thus health of offspring.

The Stolen Blessing

2010-12-15T23:34:00.004-05:00

This story confuses me like no other. Jacob steals a blessing and gets away with it. What does it mean? What are we to learn from this? Shouldn't God punish deception?

He did not recognize him, because his hands were hairy like his brother Esau's hands; so he blessed him. Genesis 27:23

The only thing I can think is that God respects Isaac's decision, however poorly it is based. God respects that Isaac can choose the son, and allows him to, even though Rebekah has tricked him.

So he came close and kissed him; and when he smelled the smell of his garments, he blessed him and said, "See, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field which the LORD has blessed; now may God give you of the dew of heaven, and of the fatness of the earth, And an abundance of grain and new wine; may peoples serve you, and nations bow down to you; be master of your brothers, and may your mother's sons bow down to you. Cursed be those who curse you, and blessed be those who bless you." Genesis 27:27-29

Here he tests Jacob by smell, and when he passes, he concludes wrongly that it's Esau. It's also important here to note that blessing is a covenant, almost like marriage. Once the words are said and the vows made before God, they're not to be taken back. This wasn't a casual prayer, so maybe God had witnessed the act so it was very much official, like the exchange of wedding bands. The weirdest part, though, is that Esau doesn't seem to believe there is only one blessing that can be doled out. He begs for another blessing from his father, and though his father is also unhappy with Jacob's deceit, he says to Esau...

Then Isaac his father answered and said to him, "Behold, away from the fertility of the earth shall be your dwelling, and away from the dew of heaven from above. By your sword you shall live, and your brother you shall serve; but it shall come about when you become restless, that you will break his yoke from your neck." Genesis 27:39-40

Harsh! What gives? Is this perhaps some sort of prophecy? Maybe Isaac knows even if he blessed him it wouldn't be true? But if that's the case, why bless at all? I thought blessing was a sort of intercession.

Prayer Need: That I Follow the Path God has for me

2010-12-09T01:12:00.007-05:00

God opened this, and only this, pathway into Clemson, making my journey here very clear. I feel like God has guided my career steps very carefully and directly to get me right where he wants me. I pray that he will continue to do that, and that I will hear his suggestions. I pray he opens doors beyond my power, and that he shows me the way. Please join me in praying for his guidance in this transition time.

Then the man bowed low and worshiped the LORD. He said, "Blessed be the LORD, the God of my master Abraham,who has not forsaken His loving kindness and His truth toward my master; as for me, the LORD has guided me in the way to the house of my master's brothers." Genesis 24:26-27

But the children struggled together within her; and she said, "If it is so, why then am I this way?" So she went to inquire of the LORD. Genesis 25:22

So he built an altar there and called upon the name of the LORD, and pitched his tent there; and there Isaac's servants dug a well. Genesis 26:25

Love in the OT and how it Applies Today

2010-12-08T16:16:00.000-05:00

I read this story when I was at the end of a relationship and had not truly devoted my life to Christ. I was interested in God in high school, attended a youth group, and always considered myself a follower of Jesus. Instead of seeking him for fulfillment, though, I sought relationships. I finally experienced heartbreak and realized no one else could be fully depended on but God alone. I was questioning what relationships meant, and how they should be handled. This quest of understanding shaped my opinions to what they are today, and I found this account somewhat revolutionary.

He said, "O LORD, the God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today, and show loving kindness to my master Abraham. Behold, I am standing by the spring, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water; now may it be that the girl to whom I say, 'Please let down your jar so that I may drink,' and who answers, 'Drink, and I will water your camels also' -may she be the one whom You have appointed for Your servant Isaac; and by this I will know that You have shown loving kindness to my master." Genesis 24:12-14

Here, Isaac asks for a wife with a very specific sign. He implies that God has chosen a wife for him out of the group that he is about to approach, and will show her to him very clearly. At the same time, I get the sense of an "availability" issue: Isaac needs a wife, there is a group of women here, let's grab one and move things along. She doesn't know him, he doesn't know her, but they meet and hit it off right away. They get married under circumstances we today would gawk at. Yet they make it work and they genuinely fall in love. I don't want to discount the godly intervention here: it is stated very clearly that God will show Isaac who he should be with. This is refreshing in the sense that maybe some of our customs and societal expectations these days are unnecessary. I think it's a great example of letting love happen and also working it out, even though every last detail isn't in place. This is a story of making it work and following godly direction. At the time, it really changed my idea of having a checklist for a potential suitor. Thoughts and insights? Share in the comments!

More Prayer for you to Chew On

2010-11-19T20:23:00.000-05:00

As always, leave reflections in the comments. Picking up where we left off, God is talking to Abraham.

Now it came about after these things, that God tested Abraham, and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am"...But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am." Genesis 22:1, 11

Between those verses, God commands Abraham to sacrifice his son as a test, but he offers an alternative.

"Then Abraham raised his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him a ram caught in the thicket by his horns; and Abraham went and took the ram and offered him up for a burnt offering in the place of his son." Genesis 22:13

Home Today!

2010-11-18T10:55:00.003-05:00

I leave today for a wonderfully long Thanksgiving break. Included will be wine club tomorrow night, Navy game this weekend, our friends' Thanksgiving dinner, and Ravens game next weekend. I look forward to a lot of relaxing, reading and writing.

Praise: Class Blessings!

2010-11-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

Huge blessings from the hand of God this week. My discussion went great and he helped me manage my anxiety. Then, today our final project for a class was canceled. I finished my part of our other final project yesterday. So my schedule has been cleared for an open-book final, and the way has been opened for me to finish writing my letters of interest and start hammering out some GIS work. The Lord is too good to me.

Prayer: Genesis

2010-11-16T00:19:00.013-05:00

Abram is distraught because he is without an heir.

Abram said, "O Lord GOD, what will You give me, since I am childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus? Since You have given no offspring to me, one born in my house is my heir." Genesis 15:2-3

Abram wants to know how he can be sure of these blessings promised by the Lord.

He said, "O Lord GOD, how may I know that I will possess it?" Genesis 15:8

Hagar runs away.

He said, "Hagar, Sarai's maid, where have you come from and where are you going ?" And she said, "I am fleeing from the presence of my mistress Sarai." Genesis 16:8

Abraham renamed.

And Abraham said to God, "Oh that Ishmael might live before You!" Genesis 17:18

Angels come to meet Abraham.

When he lifted up his eyes and looked, behold, three men were standing opposite him; and when he saw them, he ran from the tent door to meet them and bowed himself to the earth, and said, "My Lord, if now I have found favor in Your sight, please do not pass your servant by. Please let a little water be brought and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree; and I will bring a piece of bread, that you may refresh yourselves; after that you may go on, since you have visited your servant." And they said, "So do, as you have said." Genesis 18:2-5

Angels ask about Sarah.

Then they said to him, "Where is Sarah your wife?" And he said, "There, in the tent." Genesis 18:9

Sarah is skeptical of God's claim that she will bear children.

Sarah laughed to herself, saying, "After I have become old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?" And the LORD said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, saying, 'Shall I indeed bear a child, when I am so old ?' Is anything too difficult for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Sarah denied it however, saying, "I did not laugh" for she was afraid. And He said, "No, but you did laugh." Genesis 18:12-15

Abraham questions God about Sodom.

Abraham came near and said, "Will You indeed sweep away the righteous with the wicked? Suppose there are fifty righteous within the city; will You indeed sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous who are in it? Far be it from You to do such a thing, to slay the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous and the wicked are treated alike. Far be it from You! Shall not the Judge of all the earth deal justly ?" So the LORD said, "If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare the whole place on their account." And Abraham replied, "Now behold, I have ventured to speak to the Lord, although I am but dust and ashes. Suppose the fifty righteous are lacking five, will You destroy the whole city because of five ?" And He said, "I will not destroy it if I find forty-five there." He spoke to Him yet again and said, "Suppose forty are found there?" And He said, "I will not do it on account of the forty." Then he said, "Oh may the Lord not be angry, and I shall speak; suppose thirty are found there?" And He said, "I will not do it if I find thirty there." And he said, "Now behold, I have ventured to speak to the Lord ; suppose twenty are found there?" And He said, "I will not destroy it on account of the twenty." Then he said, "Oh may the Lord not be angry, and I shall speak only this once; suppose ten are found there?" And He said, "I will not destroy it on account of the ten." Genesis 18:23-32

Abraham tries to pass Sarah off as his sister, again. Here, God's first words to Abimelech in a dream are "you're dead."

Now Abimelech had not come near her; and he said, "Lord, will You slay a nation, even though blameless? Did he not himself say to me, 'She is my sister'? And she herself said, 'He is my brother.' In the integrity of my heart and the innocence of my hands I have done this." Genesis 20:4-5

God restores Abimelech's household, only after Abraham intercedes.

"Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelech and his wife and his maids, so that they bore children." Genesis 20:17

Hagar is sent away.

Then she went and sat down opposite him, about a bowshot away, for she said, "Do not let me see the boy die." And she sat opposite him, and lifted up her voice and wept. God heard the lad crying; and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What is the matter with you, Hagar? Do not fear, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is." Genesis 21:16-17

God Calms my Heart

2010-11-15T18:58:00.003-05:00

How often I fail at a godly walk.

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I'm glad God loves mercy. Wonderful weekend on the Charleston county coast. Now to lead my discussion tomorrow AM, finish the lab report tomorrow or Weds afternoon, and maybe work on my group project for energetics before heading home. I feel God calming my anxiety already, but I shall make my requests known to him tomorrow before class.

"Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:1-3

The rest of the passage goes onto talk about how the wicked cannot coexist with God, but although I was one of them...

"But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your holy temple." Psalm 5:7

God is so very patient with me. Praise be to him for fixing my Jeep. He showed me that his love is unconditional, even when undeserved, on Friday on the way to the coast. My spark plugs went bad and my engine sputtered, a sign of serious trouble. I found myself in a small town far from home at 6:30pm looking for a mechanic, and someone volunteered their time from an auto shop to replace the defunct parts. God strengthened me Saturday as I walked around the island for awhile with lots of equipment, and reminded me how much I am worth in him. He has given me reason for great joy, and nothing should steal it.

Rest of Semester Outlook

2010-11-11T14:33:00.001-05:00

I cannot believe I leave to go home for thanksgiving break in a week. Tomorrow, I leave for a great weekend at a friend's family beach house on Edisto Island. First, I'm stopping at the study site where most of my lab researches. Still can't believe I haven't been there yet! I'll be headed down to meet Sam, who went down earlier in the week to band oyster catchers at Cape Romain. Then, we'll head to Bull Island for the day, and maybe Charleston Saturday evening. So far, we plan to have dinner with the gang that night, and hang out on the beach Sunday morning before the festival in the city. Then, we'll head back Monday.

Tuesday, I lead my class discussion, and then one more final project, lab project and an open-book test and my coursework is done for the semester. I turn in a final draft of our other project tomorrow. When I return from break, we'll be taking a class trip to the sand hills, and then we'll be coming up on my birthday weekend. This year a great present is in store: ACC championship in Charlotte with my mom! Hokies better make it there...keep it up against U.NC this weekend!

Maybe this weekend I'll have a chance to crack open my new book...

The Peace of the Lord Surpasses my Understanding

2010-11-10T21:14:00.003-05:00

While I've been at church the past few weeks, I've had such a deep sense of inner peace while meditating on the word of God. God has reminded me that he offers a sanctuary for my soul, and also can reach beyond my circumstances to quiet me. Through offering me peace, he shows me his strength over everything in my life. Where one or more are gathered, there he is also...

Another Fight w/Anxiety Tomorrow AM

2010-11-02T22:23:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow morning, I'm putting my dukes up again to tame the beast. I feel pretty confident, as it will be a lower stress situation of friends as classmates and my adviser. Yet still, I need to re-condition myself to not be afraid. I turn to Psalm 4, labeled in the NAS as "Evening Prayer of Trust in God." Sometimes, I make my anxiety worse by piling on top of my fear everything I've done wrong in the sight of God, which could be a tactic of the devil's spiritual warfare (a topic we discussed at length last group meeting). I'm aware that my anxiety could be a result of my imperfect love.

"Those who seek my life lay snares for me; those who seek to injure me have threatened destruction, and they devise treachery all day long. But I, like a deaf man, do not hear; I am like a mute man who does not open his mouth. Yes, I am like a man who does not hear, and in whose mouth are no arguments. For I hope in You, O LORD; You will answer, O Lord my God. For I said, 'May they not rejoice over me, who, when my foot slips, would magnify themselves against me.' For I am ready to fall, And my sorrow is continually before me. For I confess my iniquity; I am full of anxiety because of my sin. But my enemies are vigorous and strong, and many are those who hate me wrongfully. And those who repay evil for good, they oppose me, because I follow what is good. Do not forsake me, O LORD; O my God, do not be far from me! Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation! " - Psalm 38:12-18 NAS (with Anglicized grammar)

This could be read a few different ways, and I don't know that it means all anxiety is necessarily caused by sin, but perhaps it is a byproduct of my less-than-perfect walk. I want to cast all my cares on the one who cares for me (1 Peter 5:7), but I've wondered if God is just trying to keep me humble through all this. Maybe this is the Pauline thorn in my side. My group members affirmed in my examples and in the others shared that night, though, that these feelings are not what God wants for me. I am quick to point out where I fail when I wonder why I feel badly, and shoulder the blame, but God continually reminds me that I am not to be condemned. He's not going to forsake me when I mess up. It's the most basic of lessons we learn as a Christian, but sometimes these are the easiest to forget. God works in mysterious ways, and I would not constrain his methods. But fear is not to hold me back. I need to seek God daily, but I will be the first to say it is so hard to pencil into the schedule, this arbitrary sequence of earthly events we come to think are so important. There's nothing more important than communing with God, but that gets lost in the deadlines and the goals, whatever they may be. Still, as I continue to push God down on the priority list from his rightful spot, he pursues me. He lets me know that as abysmal as my actions may be, he hasn't lost me from the flock. He throws blessings into my life while I ignore him tapping me on the shoulder. I don't turn to hug him, and instead he lays the gift on my desk. Our God is so good, and I'm so sorry for how ungrateful I've been. He only wants me to have a better life, a life of seeing clearly and walking the straight path where my foot does not stumble. Right now, my life reminds me of the song listed here, to some extent. (Of course I don't advocate "putting trust in me" or any of those ideas, but more about how much I've failed.) Still again, I've been reminded that it's all covered by the blood.

Life Without TV

2010-10-15T11:16:00.000-04:00

My roommate and I decided to cut costs and distractions by not getting cable at our apartment this year. While I'm not opposed to getting it for, let's say, march madness or whenever, life without it has been really nice. The things I hoped might happen have happened. I'm way more productive and even more outdoors than I was before. I'm finally checking books off my reading list, and getting tasks done ahead of time. I'm also cooking more complex recipes and planning more ahead for meals, having newfound leisure time to do something other than veg.

When I do watch TV, it's a social experience. I watch House at the campus rec center, and games with friends. The only place in town now that has NFL Sunday ticket is Beef's, so in going for Ravens games, you run into every walk of football fan around. If I want to watch another show that conflicts with my schedule, I can usually get it online. In all this, I'm minimizing time wasted by advertising slots, and getting less exposure to mind-rotting shows. All in all, the semester has been better without cable distraction.

Our Home Group Audio Series

2010-10-14T13:34:00.002-04:00

We've been working on an audio series at my beloved home group, and frankly, after a few clips, I'm not a huge fan. You can listen to the latest here. I'm trying to figure out if this is the same guy I've heard on the radio with similar distaste. I don't necessarily think he's wrong, and sternness and seriousness about the message is necessary, but there's something about his messages that come off as unloving.

In happier news, I finally found a song whose tune I remembered but words I did not. I really have been looking for this song for maybe 4 years, with no way to "search for" it without listening to every Christian song out there. Finally, it came up on Pandora. Thank you, Pandora!

"How majestic your whispers, how humble your love." - Jeremy Camp